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Taserians are intelligent bears from planet Taser that have evolved to walk upright and communicate telepathically in Galactic Basic. Taserians are thus often regarded to be, like the Babel Fish, proof of the nonexistence of God. Being somewhat in the middle of nowhere, however, they remain blissfully unaware of this argument and simply carry out the business of being annoyingly cheerful and nice to people in a normal, day-to-day fashion. Even the occasional villainous ones will apologize very politely before reluctantly shooting you dead and grabbing your wallet.

Taserian language and culture is very succinct and to-the-point. The elected ruler of Taser is known simply as Planet Leader, and the pilots responsible for fighting off invasions and so forth are called Starship Warriors. This comes, probably, from their ancestry, in which animal equaled meat equaled food, and there was no need to make meatloaf out of it. There is, also, always a subconscious struggle in any telepathic race to keep from broadcasting every variable, nuance and love interest of their thoughts to anyone within a five-kilometer radius, which is much simpler when they do not have to expend thinking on what to name this and that. This would also explain why most Taserian children are named after their parents or randomly picked from a book list.

Bearish habits are also retained from their ancestry. Taserians reach sexual maturity at about ten years of age, or a fifth of their lifespan. Taser has a distinct three-month mating season, during which couples come together for life and give birth to anywhere between three and five cubs. The cubs are weaned until they are about a year old, at which time they are sent off to get a job and earn their own keep. The only difference modern times have made is that there are occasional divorces and juvenile delinquents who refuse to leave the den. Such delinquents are usually devoured by their parents to keep them out of the gene pool, as Taserians cannot keep from thinking out loud “I hate this job” and thus rarely become psychiatrists.

The Taserians are regarded as saviors by many, for defeating the automated death ship Centaurus, who was created millennia ago by a deranged dictator who programmed her to destroy every world she encountered. The Taserians had different ideas, however, and sent their valiant Starship Warriors to counterattack. Although most of their ships were calmly picked off by the Centaurus’s photon machineguns, each the length of a football field, the speedy Jupiter and the maneuverable Orion used teamwork to finish her off. The Orion got her attention with a few thermonuclear laser-guided heat-seeker proton torpedoes (leading to the suspicious question of why, if Taserians are so annoyingly cheerful and nice to people, their Starship Warriors are so heavily armed) and the Jupiter lured her into a nearby black hole, using smaller mass and greater speed to escape herself.

When the Centaurus unexpectedly emerged from another black hole into the Santrigus system a few centuries later, the Taserians offered all of their resources to help the native beach loungers and Captain Zoom’s crew destroy her once and for all.

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